Brain trauma, Tests, Chocolate & Superheros!

It’s 9:00 AM. I have my first Chocolate tasting Level 1 exam on Monday, and I’m terrified! But I believe when we share, we heal, and maybe someone reading this will feel seen and heard.

I’ve been putting off talking about this on the blog, but lately, I seem to be telling total strangers, so what the hell!

For as early as I can remember, my teachers would start their sentences with:
“She can’t comprehend,” “She’s off in her own world,” “She doesn’t apply herself,” “She can’t pass this class,” “She won’t pass this grade,” “She’s not trying.” And the one teacher that I adored said: “It’s a good thing you’re pretty because this world will be hard for you.”

This type of wording beats a child down! It leads people like me down a rabbit hole of quitting because we begin to feel useless, thinking we’re not going to succeed anyway, so why try?

It wasn’t until my best friend, who was an educator at the time, explained to me what she believed was happening. Her words soothed me and brought so much clarity, hope, and freedom. Because of her, I realized it wasn’t how I learned; it was how they taught. I accepted my different abilities, loved myself through the challenges, stopped blaming myself for things I could not do and cherished the gifts I was given.

We need to listen to our children! They need to be heard, seen, and loved for who they are and not criticized for what they cannot do, or the abilities they don’t have, but instead loved for what they offer this world and the beautiful, intuitive, creative, emotional beings they are!

Years later, as an adult, I had dizzy spells, and after a brain MRI, it was confirmed that I had brain trauma. The neurologist asked me to write down every time I had an accident or trauma to the head. And I made a list of the bicycle accidents, the concussions when I was knocked unconscious for long periods at a time, the car accidents, the “accidents” from a “boyfriend” beating the shit out of me, beatings from a traumatic childhood, the emotional and physical trauma that your body, mind, and soul holds onto and it all became clear. Still, I felt broken, damaged, and stupid.

Until I realized that I’m a fucking superhero! My little brain survived all of this and is still intact!

And now there’s Chocolate, something I have loved for a long time and has loved me back. But this time, I’m not eating the chocolate; I’m tasting it. It’s healing, meditative, calming, and almost like therapy. There’s a beautiful sensory aspect to tasting chocolate. It’s almost otherworldly and euphoric. I am loving it. I am invested. I’m excited, and I want this so badly!

This exam is not open book. It’s multiple-choice, but I’m relying 100% on my memory, and for me, that is the ultimate of tasks!

But I am doing this to prove something to myself.
Every person who said that I couldn’t…was wrong!

Because those with brain injury, learning disabilities, and different abilities are capable, able, talented, creative, worthy, wanted, and loved!

I may not be the most educated person, but I’ve got compassion, empathy, and love for others boiling out of me, and I want to share it! I know I feel things deeper than most, at an almost painful level, but I accept it’s my gift. I love hard. I work hard, and I never quit!

But anxiety got the best of me; the old voices came into my head, and I kept saying what if I fail? What if I don’t pass? What if I’m not good enough?

And then, don’t laugh, I tasted a piece of chocolate. Because that’s what you do when you’re filled with anxiety!

And it calmed me down.
And I realized just how much I love this medium.
I love learning.
I love learning about chocolate.
I love teaching people.
I love the people I’m meeting, and I love the journey I’m on.

So what if I fail?
I tried!

What if I don’t pass?
I’ll take it again and again until I do.

What if I’m not good enough?
By who’s standards?
No one gets to tell us if we are good enough or not!

I can do this!
Will I do it on Monday? Not sure, but I’m going to try!
It may take me a little while to get there, but I will get there!

I don’t need hits or views on a blog post. I know who is meant to see these posts will see them. I just want to be a little light in a dark world. I hope this gives you the strength to fight for yourself. I hope it gives you the courage to step out of your comfort zone and be who you’re meant to be. I hope you can silence the voices of those who hurt you and realize the only voice and the only opinion that matters is yours!

If you’re a parent, please love your little Superhero today! They may be struggling, you may not understand why, but love them, support them, and guide them through it, and you will be their Superhero!

Blessings,

Amberley Charlotte

Photo Cred: yulia-matvienko-ArA3S3k0wTU-unsplash.jpg

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