Fuck You Covid!

Lately, my moods have been up and down like a roller coaster.

I’m mourning my life before the pandemic, and Covid is pissing me off.

I’ve always been outgoing yet introverted. I’ve been vocal, mouthy, quiet, and shy at times. I will talk your ear off and listen to your heart for hours, but the pandemic has changed me.

I feel more introverted now, less adventurous, and more cautious than I’ve ever been.

I live with a genetic heart condition, and Covid brings a high possibility of heart attack and death. My family is immunocompromised, and I would feel extremely responsible for passing it on to them. It’s a heavy weight to bear.

For two years, we were in quarantine. Then we moved cross country. I thought things were going to be different here. I was certain Covid would clear itself out, and life would improve.

I was wrong.

For some, it is better. They either don’t have health issues, don’t care about getting it, or are so fed up that they are moving on with their lives.

I don’t have the luxury of moving on. I can’t take risks. One bout of the flu years ago had me in bed for seven days, so sick I wanted to die. An infusion of medication a few years ago knocked me out for a week. My family was terrified for me. I thought I was going to die. It was horrific. I don’t remember 80% of that week.

I didn’t beat cancer to die from this!

I have to be extremely careful, and that’s fine. I’ve gotten used to being careful.

But when you have to cancel going out with friends because it’s too hot outside and wearing a mask makes it difficult in the heat. Or they live very vibrant lives with people around them, and you can’t take that risk of being infected.

You know you’ve got to put limitations on your life, but it messes with your head!

We’re indoors a lot. We’re very cautious when we go out, but being unable to walk outside without a mask or have conversations with our neighbors unless they’re 6 to 8 feet away is getting really old.

It’s changed everything, but I don’t feel any different than the rest of the world, and I want to live my life!

I didn’t ask for this!

This is a genetic problem that was handed down, and I am the first person in this genetic line that has ever had medication for this, so I am extremely blessed. I take two pills daily, and every other Friday give myself a shot in the stomach. I am grateful for this medication. It is literally saving my life!  Everybody else in this genetic line died young.

I’ve got to accept facts and manage my mental and physical health while still living with the restrictions that come with this.

But some days, my heart hurts so much. This has gone on way too long, and I’m struggling to find a solution.

Recently so many of my friends have texted telling me they got Covid.
They forgot their mask one time. They didn’t wear a mask. They’re vaccinated.
Covid gave them a heart attack. Covid had them in ICU. They have never been so sick. They have long Covid. They tell me to keep my mask on and stay safe.

I don’t want to live that way, and I know that this is my way of preventing all of that, but damn, this is my life too, and I want to live it!

Fuck you, Covid!

I like most things and most people, but you are a little shithead!


Photo Cred: Sarah Kilian

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