Forgiveness has been
heavy on my heart lately
It’s in my thoughts
my dreams
and every breath
I take
I feel like I’m digging a ditch
but I’m not sure
if I should throw myself in
or bury my
anger
regret
and rage
then cover it up
so I can’t go back
to retrieve it
I’ve been asking myself a lot of questions
Will I ever find peace
if I can’t let go
of the past?
What does this do to my body?
How long can my heart
withstand the pain?
Is it true that if
we can’t forgive another person
we can’t forgive ourselves?
Am I trying to rectify the situation?
Am I trying to understand it?
Is it teaching me anything?
Who am I hurting by holding onto all of this?
Unless I’m sending out
personalized lightning bolts
and actually hitting my target
I’m the only one suffering
as those who have hurt me
have moved on
Am I not just reliving
every moment
every trauma
and every fear
every day of my life?
Because I’m constantly
playing the same movie
in my head
over
and over again
thinking about
what that person did
and who I am
because of it
I’ll tell you who I am
I am resourceful
I am courageous
I am fierce
I am determined
I am strong
I have learned
the lesson
and the gift
of empathy
and I have
survived
That is what those horrible experiences did to me
They made me who I am
They gave me a reason to fight
But I am holding onto
one more wound
one more nightmare
and playing a movie
with subtitles
that will
never end
As my body tightens
Anxiety
Panic
Illness
and depression
become part of my being
and I live a half-life
Precious moments
stolen
Precious memories
missed
Do they deserve forgiveness?
I do!
I deserve forgiveness
I deserve to let it go
I deserve happiness
joy and to heal my body
I deserve to silence the voices
and cancel the nightmare sitcoms
that play in my head
I deserve
to write my own ending
to this movie
If the goal is to ultimately love ourselves
then why am I punishing myself?
I have the power
I have control
This is my life
When am I going
to let that shit go?
Their time is over
My time is now
Yet I am literally
hosting them
as guests
in my home
feeding them
giving them the right
to live within my head
as I slowly
rot away
because for whatever reason
I can’t evict them
I am exhausted
I’ve suffered enough
I don’t have the energy
to focus on any of this anymore
This is helping me
in no way at all
It is holding me back
from being happy
whole and peaceful
Forgiveness is the gift we give ourselves
and by holding back forgiveness
we are withholding love
and a chance
at a full life
I am not going to live my life like this anymore
I might not have valued myself in the past
but I do now
I deserve more than to live
in this self-imposed hell
I am ready to forgive others
But first
I will start by
forgiving myself
Amberley Charlotte ©2022
Photo: Daniele Franchi
Amberley Charlotte Writes 