Yesterday my husband walked into my office with terror in his eyes.

“I think I have a fever. My body aches. I don’t feel good. I have to test for Covid. I cannot get you sick!”

He was terrified because he knew that if he got sick, I would get sick, and with my immune system and health issues, I could end up in the hospital or worse.

We immediately put masks on, took his temperature, and he had a fever.

All I could think about was this was my best friend, the greatest man I know, my heart, my soul, the air I breathe, the blood that runs through my veins, and if he had Covid, we would be separated, and I could lose him.

It broke me when he told me he would not be able to live with himself if he gave it to me.

What happened?

For two years, we had been so careful. Quarantining, wearing masks everywhere, socially distancing and disinfecting everything.

Where was the risk? We didn’t run into anybody. We never take our masks off. We’ve been overly cautious.

I blamed myself. I went to the grocery store with my mask on, and a lady sneezed in front of me. Did I give this to him?

His first test was negative!

But he kept getting worse. Congestion, aches and pains, fever.

How do I fix this? How can I be there for him?

I love this beautiful soul. A lifetime is not enough. I want more. I want forever. I want eternity. I want our minds, bodies, and souls to be connected always. I could spend forever bringing this man joy, love, comfort, and protection.

I wished it was me. I wanted it to be. I couldn’t stand to see him hurting. It was breaking me.

I do not take for granted how connected we are, what a phenomenal marriage we have, and I believe our connection was written in the stars and created in heaven long before we were born.

But now we had masks on. I couldn’t hug or kiss him. He kept his distance. He sat at the other end of the couch and walked away if I got too close.

He took his meals to his office, and I sat outside the door wishing I could go in, wishing I could have a moment with him, wishing I could take it all away, wishing I could hug him.

We have been to hell and overcame things we never expected to survive, but we did it together.

I love him.
I love him with every breath I take.
I love him with every beat of my heart.
I love his smell.
I love how his little beard scratches my face when I kiss him.
I love how his arms wrap around my body when I hug him.
I love how safe he makes me feel.
I love how he loves me and protects me.

And now I sit outside his door, a door that separates us, a door that keeps us safe yet breaks us, knowing he’s in there alone, scared, thinking he will get me sick and staying away only because he loves me, yet again putting me first.

He slept in his office last night.

It was 80° at 10 o’clock, and my room was freezing because my heartbeat wasn’t there.

I missed the warmth of his body, the awful sound of his CPAP machine, and the feeling I got when I put my foot on his back, and he reached out, grabbing it to comfort me. He doesn’t remember doing it, yet he does it every time.

I stayed up, waiting for him to call my name.
I worried he’d get worse in the middle of the night.

This wasn’t paranoia. This is a man with severe sleep apnea, asthma, and high blood pressure. His job is high stress, and still, he makes family the priority, rarely getting time for himself.

Too many times, we’ve watched as he was taken by ambulance to hospital, and neither of us thought he would make it home.

And I’m supposed to go to sleep with my great love, the man I vowed to protect, down the hall, behind a door congested, sick, and in pain?

Too many families know the pain I felt. Too many families have been separated. Too many families have lost loved ones, and I was thinking of every single one of them instead of sleeping.

The next morning, the second test.

Fever gone. Oxygen levels up. Aches and pains gone. He felt better.

We waited in the hallway, texting him, counting the minutes, and trying to distract him while remembering to breathe.

And then 4..3..2..1 NEGATIVE!

I ran into the room, threw myself in his arms, and wailed.
For a minute, my heart stopped beating and connected with his.
I’ve never felt so loved in my life, and I’ve never loved so deeply.

He was going to be ok. We were going to be OK.

I looked into his eyes and couldn’t look away.
So many challenges. So many battles. So many blessings.
We fell in love. We created a family. We built a life, and in every crisis, we battled together!

As hard as life has tried, the bond that fused us together is unbreakable!

My great love, my heartbeat, my world, I choose you!
You are the light that leads me out of the darkness, my comfort in the storm, my confidant, my souls mate.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for showing me the way home.

Forever and always, our two hearts will beat as one.

We are unbreakable!

Amberley Charlotte ©2022

Fuck You Covid!

Lately, my moods have been up and down like a roller coaster.

I’m mourning my life before the pandemic, and Covid is pissing me off.

I’ve always been outgoing yet introverted. I’ve been vocal, mouthy, quiet, and shy at times. I will talk your ear off and listen to your heart for hours, but the pandemic has changed me.

I feel more introverted now, less adventurous, and more cautious than I’ve ever been.

I live with a genetic heart condition, and Covid brings a high possibility of heart attack and death. My family is immunocompromised, and I would feel extremely responsible for passing it on to them. It’s a heavy weight to bear.

For two years, we were in quarantine. Then we moved cross country. I thought things were going to be different here. I was certain Covid would clear itself out, and life would improve.

I was wrong.

For some, it is better. They either don’t have health issues, don’t care about getting it, or are so fed up that they are moving on with their lives.

I don’t have the luxury of moving on. I can’t take risks. One bout of the flu years ago had me in bed for seven days, so sick I wanted to die. An infusion of medication a few years ago knocked me out for a week. My family was terrified for me. I thought I was going to die. It was horrific. I don’t remember 80% of that week.

I didn’t beat cancer to die from this!

I have to be extremely careful, and that’s fine. I’ve gotten used to being careful.

But when you have to cancel going out with friends because it’s too hot outside and wearing a mask makes it difficult in the heat. Or they live very vibrant lives with people around them, and you can’t take that risk of being infected.

You know you’ve got to put limitations on your life, but it messes with your head!

We’re indoors a lot. We’re very cautious when we go out, but being unable to walk outside without a mask or have conversations with our neighbors unless they’re 6 to 8 feet away is getting really old.

It’s changed everything, but I don’t feel any different than the rest of the world, and I want to live my life!

I didn’t ask for this!

This is a genetic problem that was handed down, and I am the first person in this genetic line that has ever had medication for this, so I am extremely blessed. I take two pills daily, and every other Friday give myself a shot in the stomach. I am grateful for this medication. It is literally saving my life!  Everybody else in this genetic line died young.

I’ve got to accept facts and manage my mental and physical health while still living with the restrictions that come with this.

But some days, my heart hurts so much. This has gone on way too long, and I’m struggling to find a solution.

Recently so many of my friends have texted telling me they got Covid.
They forgot their mask one time. They didn’t wear a mask. They’re vaccinated.
Covid gave them a heart attack. Covid had them in ICU. They have never been so sick. They have long Covid. They tell me to keep my mask on and stay safe.

I don’t want to live that way, and I know that this is my way of preventing all of that, but damn, this is my life too, and I want to live it!

Fuck you, Covid!

I like most things and most people, but you are a little shithead!

Photo Cred: Sarah Kilian